Head in the Clouds by Grace Jones

Head in the Clouds

After her grandfather’s death, Lucia and her mom didn’t walk to his house every morning. They didn’t pick flowers to surprise him. Instead, they lay in the yard, and Lucia’s mom taught her how to see what lives in the clouds. They gazed at the cumulus and nimbus clouds that inhabited busy cities and the stratus clouds that painted perfect pictures. Lucia learned how to see things that were only there if she searched for them. Her mom tried to help her understand the things she couldn’t understand herself, like where her grandfather went two years ago, why Lucia’s mom has doctors treating her chest every week, and why she has to start going to a school for fourth grade, instead of doing school at home.

“Mom, did you see that,” Lucia asked.

“See what, Luc?”

Lucia repositioned herself by sliding one arm under her head for support and raising her hand to the sky. “Right there! Granddaddy is walking on that sidewalk. Over there, by the man walking his dogs. Do you see him!?”

“Oh, yes, sweetie. I see him now. Look, he’s wearing the blue airplane socks that he always wore to your birthday parties,” her mom said.

“Granddaddy must have forgotten that my birthday isn’t until next week. How can we remind him?” Lucia asked.

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to get up there and tell him yourself.”

So, Lucia quickly climbed into her bright, yellow swing, clutched onto the red chains, and took off. She kicked hard and tried to make her body as long as possible when the swing rushed forward.

She reached what she assumed was the appropriate height to catapult herself into the cloud. Then, she flew. Just as she was about to land in the cloud, the wind whirled, the cloud shifted, and she tumbled into the dewy green grass. Her knees were a blend of white and red with dirt and grass stuck to her raw skin.

“Looks like you’ll have to remind him later. Now, let’s get you cleaned up,” her mom said, taking Lucia’s hand.

She brought Lucia inside and wiped the tears from her face. Her mom shimmied off the candied-apple red fleece jacket that fit her body perfectly. She dabbed Lucia’s knees with a clear liquid that stung and had a sharp, bitter smell. Lucia winced and kicked off her red ladybug rainboots, which she wore every day, in protest of the ointment’s sting. When her mom finished, Lucia rushed back outside to look for Granddaddy in the clouds. Yet, all she could see were elephants playing with dandelions. Slowly, the blissful clouds that sprouted the sun’s rays began to fight the darkness that quickly approached. So, Lucia decided to take her mom’s advice and find Granddaddy later.

Conversation at dinner centered around the supplies Lucia needed for school. Lucia wanted to talk about Granddaddy instead. Lucia’s mom reminded her of a particularly special pool day they had as they sat together on the blue bench in the kitchen.

The Alabama heat scorched the three of them that day. It started with watermelon-seed fights and playing under the umbrella of dancing rain coming from the rotating sprinkler. The afternoon brought countless wave-pool attempts, many diving competitions, breath-holding contests, and a few intense games of mermaid between Lucia and her granddaddy. Then her granddaddy decided to take it a step further.

“All right, girls. I’m about to try something I haven’t done since I was in college,” Granddaddy said as he grabbed both sides of the pool-steps railing, flipped his hair to the side, and pulled himself out of the water.

“What is it, Granddaddy? Can I try too?” Lucia asked as she frantically paddled and kicked to the shallow end to take off her floaties.

“Dad, are you sure? We are having just enough fun as is. No need to go be a showoff,” her mom said as she peered out the top of her sunglasses, crocheting in her rocking chair.

“Yes, I’m sure, honey. Now, get your camera out. This is either going to be a good time or a good story to tell later.”

Granddaddy went to the diving board, positioned himself as far back as he could, jumped a bit, as if he gave himself a pep-talk, and took off. A stream of water followed his forward spiraling motion as he submerged into the water. Instead of a successful landing, his rotation was broken by his back crashing into the water.

Lucia and her mom laughed until tears streamed down their cheeks. Then the thought of his death returned to the forefront of their memories.

“He was right; that was a good story to tell later,” Lucia said as she rested her head on her mom’s shoulders.

It was days like that that made Lucia long for her granddaddy to be alive. They would be together, he would still be schooling her, and her mom would not be pushing her towards attending the local school five blocks over.

Lucia’s granddaddy helped homeschool Lucia when her mom was sick with breast cancer. Lucia and her mom had been on their own ever since her dad moved out. Lucia rarely heard from her dad and didn’t understand why he left, but her mom would always tell her he was off working. Three months after he left, Lucia’s mom found out about the cancer. The treatments started and became a part of their daily schedule. It was time for Lucia to start kindergarten, but Granddaddy didn’t want Lucia to go to school and spend that time away from family. So, he took the responsibility to school Lucia and ensured that she started learning school curriculum while also getting to be with her mom when she could. Lucia’s grandmother died of a similar breast cancer, which pushed Granddaddy to make sure there was a different outcome for his daughter. He did everything he could to be intentional with Lucia and her mom, trying to salvage the normalcy their lives lost so quickly. Even when her mom got better, he still wanted to spend almost all day entertaining Lucia. Their routine entertained and comforted them both. Instead of Lucia spending her day at a school, tortured, at recess, dodging the terrifying, red bouncy balls that were hurled towards nearby students on the playground, Lucia and Granddaddy enjoyed a more undisturbed break.

Lucia would skip around the yellow and brown colored grass scattered with holes and dips in the earth to reach the slightly hidden blueberry bushes in Granddaddy’s backyard. Granddaddy would slowly follow Lucia and enjoy the child-filled energy she made him long for again. After an intense game of rock, paper, scissors over who would get to pick the bush filled with the most berries, Lucia and Granddaddy harvested away. After their buckets were filled to the brim, Lucia would skip through the hole-ridden yard, headed back to the house while Granddaddy cautiously followed her, careful that she didn’t drop any precious cargo. Granddaddy would scoop a plentiful serving of berries into two blue-lined yellow bowls. He let Lucia reach on her tiptoes for the begonia flowered sugar bowl on the counter and dump as many spoonfuls as she desired into the blueberries.

Instead of lunch in a cafeteria, Granddaddy taught Lucia his favorite recipes, which they would pack up into three lunch sacks, and take a field trip to her mom’s treatment center. In his 1999 blue Toyota Corolla, named Blueberry, Granddaddy drove with leisure. He put the car in park with every stop at a light, and when they passed a patch of flowers, Granddaddy stopped and let Lucia delicately pick flowers for her mom. They spent lunch hour on the green park benches that captured the heat of the sun so well that Granddaddy always brought the red and yellow hand-stitched blanket made by Lucia’s grandmother for them to sit on. Lucia’s mom and Granddaddy laughed at stories they let Lucia tell them and intentionally listened to what Lucia shared about what she did during school-time that day. After they finished lunch, the three would place the blanket on the grass and search the sky.

When the three parted, Lucia and Granddaddy would return to her daily lesson. They would sit on his scratchy yellow, orange, and brown couch that Lucia’s grandmother proudly reupholstered herself and go through the designated story that Granddaddy picked for Lucia to study. Math and science were Lucia’s least favorite subjects to work on, so Granddaddy would let her do those first so they could spend the rest of the day diving into storybooks and focus on their author of the week.

The memory of Granddaddy’s humming, the bristling bushes, the aroma of lunch being cooked, and his car brought a happiness to Lucia that she could not let be disturbed or replaced with the horrors of a potentially traumatizing playground. Lucia did not understand why she had to go to school for fourth grade if her mom did a perfectly respectable job when she replaced Granddaddy as her schoolteacher. It wasn’t as fun as it was with Granddaddy because her mom didn’t have authors of the week and made Lucia do math and science a lot longer than she used to, but Lucia wanted to be with her mom more than she wanted to be alone at school.

She heard her mom on the phone talking about game plans, relapse, and chance of recovery this far along.

“I can’t keep teaching you, Lucia,” her mom said, rubbing her hand across her forehead. She pushed her curly dark hair away from her face and her hands shook a little with nerves.

“I—”

“But, Mom, I can teach myself. I already explain half the stuff I learn to you. Trust me; I can do this. Please don’t make me go to school. I won’t survive there,” Lucia said interrupted by her voice cracking and tears welling up in her eyes.

“Luc, I don’t want to yell at you, but you’re going to school. Baby, it’s back. They want me to restart treatments as soon as possible,” her mom said with a look of terror that scared Lucia.

Lucia didn’t say anything. Why was this happening again? She thought that once you beat cancer, you were done with cancer. Everything went back to how it was the first time around, yet there was no Granddaddy to help this time. Lucia tried to forget about her mom’s diagnosis and schemed to get out of school. Lucia thought if she tortured her mom enough then she would cave and let her stay. Lucia couldn’t imagine how school could be a good thing if she didn’t have Granddaddy to help her with it. He always told Lucia that school was fun, but any time she felt like she was missing out, Granddaddy would help her feel better by reminding her that she didn’t have to experience the bad things in school, like bullying. Yet, the silent treatment, strategically hiding the living room TV remote, and refusing to eat vegetables did not change Lucia’s mom’s mind. As her mom’s health increasingly declined, Lucia began to feel the realistic fear that she was going to school with students, teachers, class pets—and no Mom or Granddaddy.

Her mom did what she could to help Lucia warm up to the daunting deadline of school, and the two spent as much time as they could together. Lucia and her mom did not search the clouds as often as they had; instead, Lucia learned to crochet. Then, when her mom was too weak to get out of bed, their routine consisted of breakfast in bed, morning movies, and late-night conversations over what it meant to grow up. Lucia’s mom wrote pages of advice, jokes, and survival tips, for Lucia to cling to when she needed guidance on teenage girls, college, a first love, and family. Lucia’s mom let Lucia watch her favorite movie, Barbie’s: Twelve Dancing Princesses, as many times as she wished. Lucia would crawl out of her mom’s bed and dance around the bed posts that outlined the bed. As she practiced her dancing, her mom would cheer her on; she would give Lucia notes on which turn she loved best. She laughed when Lucia would trip as she tried to fly like the ballerinas in the movie. Her mom would show Lucia her favorite movies that she would watch with Granddaddy when her mom was sick. Lucia wrote down each movie in her turquoise bedazzled giraffe diary her mom got her for the important things that should be remembered. Lucia fell in love with Esther Williams as she swam the English Channel, tried to learn the piano so she could be like the Music Man, and begged her mom to let her cut her hair like Jo March did so she could help her get better.

The last day Lucia and her mom lay in the yard to look at the sky, Lucia helped her mom put on her vibrant red fleece jacket. As her mom zipped the top part of the jacket, she looked as if the jacket swallowed her whole. When they got into the backyard and sat down, Lucia’s mom began to roll her sleeves so she could point to the heavens without her sleeves bothering her. Lucia let her mom be the first to search. The sun was out, yet not so bright that its rays obstructed Lucia and her mom’s discoveries. Lucia’s mom grabbed her hand and pointed towards the stratus clouds slowly approaching.

“Look, Lucia, a perfect picture. There’s Granddaddy’s house with the blueberry bushes ready to be picked.”

“Oh, I see them! And there you are, in your rocking chair, crocheting,” Lucia said

“No, I’m not. Look, I am racing Granddaddy to the bushes so I can get the one with the best berries,” her mom said as she playfully nudged Lucia’s arm.

They lay in the yard until both Lucia and her mom fell asleep, hands intertwined, exploring the adventure lands that passed their house. When they woke up, the sun had set, and the grass was lightly dewy. Lucia and her mom helped each other inside and decided to have a slumber party in Lucia’s mom’s room. A few weeks later, Lucia and her mom could no longer lie in their yard and admire the worlds that passed their way. Lucia’s mom was so weak that they spent their days reading and resting, and a woman named Pam came to the house every day to make sure Lucia’s mom was comfortable. Pam would give Lucia’s mom medicine, read aloud, and played The Eagles in the background while Lucia tried to help her mom finish the blanket she was crocheting. Pam and Lucia’s mom started to explain to Lucia that her dad was probably about to be around her again. Lucia would overhear Pam talking to her mom about her father, but she didn’t like those conversations, so she would go and search the clouds to fill her time.

The night that it happened, Lucia felt like something was changing. Pam told Lucia her dad might be coming back home, but that she wasn’t sure yet. It was quiet, the lights were dim, the house was warm, and the sun had set. The fireplace was lit to help Lucia’s mom warm up and find ease. Lucia smiled and knew what her mom needed. She kissed her mom’s head and let her mom return the favor, and then she grabbed her diary and told Pam to keep an eye out for her mom while she went to draw what adventures passed by their house. That was the last night Lucia got to share the clouds with her mom.

The funeral was like Granddaddy’s. A week passed and Lucia found herself at the same place with the same people she saw the last time she was with Granddaddy. After the funeral, Lucia curled up on the blue bench in the kitchen and wept. She tried to comfort herself the way her granddaddy and mom did so well. Lucia looked at a photo album and letters that her mom wrote over her life. She read the first letter her mom gave to her, which held a favorite recipe for Poppyseed Chicken Casserole that they used to eat when either of them was sad. Along with the recipe, there was a small letter that read:

My Luc,

I know that what you're feeling right now is hard to understand. It’s okay to cry and to be upset. Listen to our songs. Keep watching our movies. Cut your hair like Jo March. Remember our adventures. You are so strong, kiddo. Remember that and never forget how much I love you. Share the love with everyone around you—even Dad. I know it’s got to be such an adjustment, and I know plenty was left unsaid, and for that, I’m sorry. We both are. There is a world of people who would be lucky just to get a fraction of the love you have to give. Granddaddy and I are with you always and will never stop loving you. Never let your smile, passion for books, or innocent love for the world fade away; it is rare for people to be blessed with what you have. Remember, I am with you, you are not alone, and this is only temporary.

Love you to the clouds,

Mom

Lucia put on her mom’s red fleece and squished her feet into her ladybug rain boots, and her toes struggled to settle in the soles. She rushed outside and lie down in the yard. Lucia pulled her knees up until her feet rested on the uncut grass, slid her hand behind her head, and searched. For a while, the bright sun scattered her vision. Eventually, the sun was covered enough for Lucia’s sight to refocus. She found a playground filled with kids, but instead of the horrors she imagined, there was laughter, cartwheels, and a red swing set. The teachers were sitting at wooden picnic tables laughing with each other and playing with the children. No threatening rubber red ball being hurled towards the kids. The following cloud had a library organized by Advanced Readers levels and a “Bookfair coming soon!” sign. There were book fair competitions that kids presented in front of their classmates and their parents. Then off in the distance, Lucia caught what she thought looked like her granddaddy’s blue airplane socks. She froze her gaze to the approaching stratus cloud. Lucia did not dare move. Leisurely, she saw her granddaddy and mom racing to the slightly hidden blueberry bushes. Both were zig zagging through the scattered holes in the yard, and eventually reached the bushes. A playful, yet slightly serious game of rock, paper, scissors was played over who got the best bush.

The wind gushed surprisingly, which pushed the cloud a bit faster than Lucia expected.

“Mom! Granddaddy!” Lucia said, rushing up to rest on her elbows. She struggled not to blink, out of fear that they would leave her.

Lucia watched her granddaddy hum to her mother, who kept sneaking bites of the freshly picked blueberries. Lucia quickly rose to her feet; she kept her eyes fixed on her mom and granddaddy. She didn’t know why, but she climbed into the faded yellow swing, grabbed the rusty red chains, and took off. She kicked hard. The pressure of the tight boots throbbed into her toes as she pushed herself. The tears in her eyes were being blown across her face as she pumped her legs harder and continued to gain height in her swing. When she reached what she always thought would be high enough, she flew. Then, in slow motion, she extended her hand, tried to grasp her mother’s hand, which was aimed for blueberries, and as she thought, the wind gushed, the cloud shifted, and Lucia closed her eyes to prepare for her tumble into the grass.

Yet, Lucia did feel the aches of her limbs as she used to when she fell. She heard echoes of laughter, joy, and the crunch of dead grass under boots. She didn’t dare move. She slowly opened one eye, turned her head slightly, and let the watery vision set in on what was beside her. Confused, she resurfaced into a crisscross-applesauce position. As she tried to focus on her surroundings, Lucia realized that her yellow swing was no longer behind her. She stood up quickly and fought off her red-ladybug boots that continued to crush her toes. She turned around and her mom and grandfather were picking blueberries. She slowly started to walk their way and felt the soft, bouncy grass turn into its crunched, tough texture. The closer she approached them, the faster she increased her pace. Until she extended her hand toward her mother’s that was extended for blueberries and interlaced fingers with her mom.

“Mom,” Lucia cried as she fully embraced her mother. Trying to embrace every hug, smile, and second, she lost and was never supposed to get again.

Granddaddy laughed with the falsetto tone he always produced and picked up his little Lucia. Then, just like when he taught her school, Granddaddy, Lucia, and her mom explored the cities and adventures of the clouds. Lucia walked in between her mom and Granddaddy, hand-in-hand, and they walked through the cloud. They transported from Granddaddy’s house to a lavender-filled city that looked like the palace from The Twelve Dancing Princesses. Lucia’s mom and Granddaddy watched her dance and fly around the ballroom floor. After the palace, they floated to a playground that was in the middle of recess. Lucia stopped and looked at her mom, startled, yet her mom and Granddaddy did not comfort her and take her away. They pushed forward and helped her explore the playground. She stood behind them as they walked up to the picnic table and made themselves comfortable.

Granddaddy sat at the bench and encouraged Lucia to go play something new. Nervous, Lucia started to walk towards the monkey bars that looked like an igloo; she looked back to see her mom and Granddaddy cheer her on. Lucia climbed, swung, and hung upside down. Once all the blood rushed to her head, and her brain started to feel heavy, she got down and ran back to the picnic table.

Lucia’s mom offered to take her to the swing set to see how it compared to the rusty, yellow set she had in her yard.

They walked up to the pool-water blue swing set that was new and inviting. Lucia climbed in the swing and pushed off and glided back and forth. Other kids saw Lucia on the set and slowly started to join her in her flight. Lucia started to laugh and the heavy pit in her stomach started to lift and not worry her anymore. One boy that looked Lucia’s age with long hair and striped, green pants on, climbed into the neighboring swing and started to race Lucia to see who could swing the highest. As they both started to get higher and higher, Lucia offered up a challenge to the boy.

“Let’s see who can jump out the farthest,” Lucia said with a nervous excitement. “On three, okay?”

Lucia allowed a few more pumps back and forth to prepare for ultimate success.

“One,” Lucia said loudly, looking at the boy who smiled back thinking he would be the winner.

“Two,” she said as she looked back at her mom who was rejoining her grandfather on the picnic table. Granddaddy waved to Lucia, and she heard them both start to cheer her on louder.

“Three,” Lucia said confidently, knowing she would be able to jump farther than the boy.

Then they both flew. Lucia let out a bright laugh and closed her eyes for the impact. Lucia tumbled into the grass. She quickly opened her eyes to see if she had won. Yet, Lucia was not in the playground anymore; she was back in her yard, in the grass, in front of her yellow swing set.

She began to cry, not from the sting in her arm and leg, but from the hope she lost when she realized she would not be with her mom and granddaddy in the clouds. She held on to her mother’s fleece jacket and watched the clouds pass for what could have been hours. She saw the playground again with her mom and granddaddy and the kids that she played with. She searched for more in the clouds but couldn’t see beyond what seemed to be her future. When the last tear dried on her cheek, Lucia gathered herself, stood up, and went inside to find the ointment her mother used to delicately apply to her wounds. She knew this would not heal her, but Lucia didn’t know where else to start. After spreading the ointment over the dried blood on her arm and scrapes on her legs, Lucia put her ladybug rain boots in her closet, and started to make a list of supplies she would need for school.